8.20.2004

What the Desert Is Like These Days

So, someone died, then. I went to the visitation on Tuesday. I don't really want to talk about it more than I just did.

Jiu-Jitsu last night was okay. I got to wrestle with one person last night, and he was very patient and instructive. I learned a few submission holds, and an interesting way to break someone's arm, which is nice.

The nuances of the art interest me a great deal - how to place a hand where, and why. One of the submission hold I learned, called a bicep crunch, involves wrapping the curled arm of your opponent around the bony part of your forearm and squeezing on it. The effect is to wrap the opponent's tendons around your forearm and stretch them out and, if necessary, dislocate the elbow. I wasn't getting it down because, as I later learned, I wasn't getting my wrist down far enough in the crook of my partner's arm, and when I did, it was the narrow part of the bone in there, not turned wide.

Later in the evening, as we were wrestling, I think he got sick of being so dominant, he left to take on another partner. It's true that I had more fun playing Tekken against strong competitors, and it was probably more fun for them too. But if no one is willing to spend the effort to teach and dominate me, how am I ever going to get better?

Anyway, the death. It was my ex's mom, the grandmother of my daughter. At the visitation, they had pictures up from her life, some fading to green and red with age. One of the pictures was her senior photo, and it took my breath away. She had the same stunning look that my ex did, the look that just made me go all weak inside. My daughter's got it too, on the right day.

Anyway, it's a sad thing. I struggle to relate emotionally to other people, and this is no exception. Of course I understand that if my mom died I'd be absolutely crushed, but I don't know what I'd want people to say or do, what I'd expect from people, how I would grieve. I wanted to tell me ex how bad I felt for her, that I was thinking of her, but every time I opened my mouth I was just going "blah. blah. blah."

So sad. I just hate to see people hurting.

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