1.06.2003

In the bathroom, just now. Contemplating where I'm at and what my life amounts to after twenty-four-and-a-half years, and it's all piss. For a person normally given to optimism and cheerfulness, I am incredibly miserable. I feel like a complete failure.

It's a fault of mine, that I seldom show how I really feel. Most likely, it developed out of habit, out of working customer service, out of being a parent, out of being hurt and completely mistrustful of the outside world.

I just want to feel like I'm succeeding at something. There's this sensation like more and more gets set on my shoulders, that I have to bear so much, and in spite of how badly I want to break, I never will. Always getting closer to the center of the vortex, but never reaching it.

I should probably be medicated, but I can't afford the pills.

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